Her

Originally written 12:35 PM on Saturday, August 16, 2014

So, I've been with my boyfriend for a while, right? Like, about six months. Well, there's this girl... They were friends. Well... Sigh. It was his exgirlfriend. They had been together for a while, really liked each other, blah, blah, blah, so on and so forth. I'm not gonna go into detail on that one. Anyways, they had stayed close friends after the break up. Originally, I had no problem with that. And when I heard she's having a tough time, I wanted to talk to her, to help her. That didn't really happen. But, anyways, I, in a sense, chose her over me. I could have told the boyfriend to just drop her (I did find it really weird they were friends--but nevermind that for now), but, instead, I actually came pretty close to encouraging the constant contact. After a while, though, it became... uncomfortable for me. I started to feel like I was being compared to her, even to the point where I, myself, probably compared myself to her. And when I did that, I did not compare well. I was constantly thinking of her. Constantly asking myself questions about her. If I texted my boyfriend and he took more than a few minutes to respond, I would wonder... Was he talking to her? If my boyfriend said something and I took it the wrong way, I would think of her and how I didn't want to be like her, even though I share similarities with thousands of people I wouldn't even know exist. My mind would always wander to her and so badly I wanted to tell him to stop all contact with her. I hated talking about her, but I would always somehow bring her up in conversation, it seemed. I couldn't get her out of my mind. I had what I like to call an "unhealthy obsession". I had put all sorts of stress on myself just thinking about her, when, really, it shouldn't have mattered. I was jealous. Extremely. I couldn't quite help it. I'm the jealous type, I'm sure of it. I once even got jealous over a guy I didn't want anything to do with! Anyways, if i talked about her, my jealousy and uneasiness were apparent, I guess. Part of the reason I was so jealous--a big part of it--was that she was on the eastern coast. So, really, my jealousy should have been less, but it wasn't. Like I said, unhealthy obsession. Well, after actually talking about it all with my boyfriend, I started to feel better. Still didn't want to talk about her, and I still don't like it. But I became far less worried about all the contact she had with my boyfriend and went back to worrying about her well being. My boyfriend's exgirlfriend had been through an emotional rough patch since I've met my boyfriend. I never knew the whole situation or as many details as my boyfriend, but I had always wanted her to get better. And it didn't seem that she was recovering very well. There has been a couple recent things about her and the healing process. One of those recent instances was where she had to talk to my boyfriend. So, he stopped talking to me for the moment to give her some solace. I was left alone for a while. So, what did I do? I lit a candle for her and said a prayer. Then I sent her some positive healing energy. A part of sending energy is visualization, and since I didnt know what she looked like, I pictured the state she lives in on a map and a silhouette with her name on it. I pictured the energy to be green, which is a colour I've always associated with healing. Sending the energy put some stress on my Heart Chakra. I was told that what I did was most likely empathic; I took some of her pain inside to help her heal. While it was not intentional for me to take her pain into me and set myself off balance, I just wanted her to get better. And it made sense for me to be Empathic in that working. Before, I had told my boyfriend to give her my number, to have her talk to me. While our situations were different, I felt that, emotionally, I had gone through some of the same stuff as her. I knew that it was better to talk to someone who had felt what you felt than to talk to someone who could only try to understand. While that didn't happen, maybe, just maybe, I felt I had some sort of relation to her, a connection of some sorts. Unlike most people, she was a real person. Almost from the start. After I sent the energy and meditated for a bit, I looked at the time. Almost an hour had gone by since I last heard from my boyfriend that night. So, I prayed for her again. I was really starting to worry. I even cried. When my boyfriend called me back, he called with good news: she was feeling better. I was relieved. I was hesitant to tell the boyfriend about it, because I thought it was embarrassing. But he thought it was sweet or something of that sort. A part of my prayers was for her to feel better soon and to stay that way for a while and to communicate her newfound positive energies and emotions to those around her. I don't know if it makes me a good person or not, but despite all my jealousy, obsession, and how it seemed as if I hated her, all I wanted was for her to get better, to help her, to talk her though it... to do something. Going through my own troubling times has made me feel like maybe I could help others who have gone through their own harsh feelings. Well, all that being said... I still had jealousy, some issues. I always seemed to just be silent on it, though. I didn't want to end a relationship I had no business in or take away someone who's supporting through her emotions. I guess I thought maybe her negative emotions would slowly go away after this. That the energy I gave her would help her heal. That was the intention after all. Not once did I... After hearing about her, about how she felt for my boyfriend, after knowing how close they were... Not once did I think that she would break it off with him. Almost out of nowhere, I got a text. It's my boyfriend saying he's probably lost "the best friend he's ever had". She "couldn't talk to him anymore". She was healing and, for whatever reason, he couldn't be there. She was telling him not to be. She was still, maybe once in a blue moon, gonna tell him how she's doing. He said that's all he asked for. At first, I was confused. But I thought if she needed to get him out of her life to heal, as long as she truly believed that that was what's best for herself, then, by all means, he needed to let her do that.  And while I had all my issues with her, if she were to just up and leave him, to refuse to talk to him, I would be pretty pissed. From the way my boyfriend talked about it, though, it seemed like he needed to let them drift earlier. But everything happens for a reason. Things are the way they are, because that's how they are. While it's rather strange she cut him from her life, my boyfriend just wants to make sure she's happy. And I'm okay with that, because that's what friends do. My boyfriend's exgirlfriend essentially broke up with him. Even though I've had some serious jealousy and obsession issues with her... I'm actually kind of sad about it. Like, a part of me had always wanted them to stop talking, but now that they're doing that... I feel so weird about i6t somehow.

I can't help but feel that I am a part of it somehow.